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MEET THE AUTHOR
DAVID MANDEL
Founder and CEO, Safe & Together Institute
David Mandel is the founder and CEO of the Safe & Together Institute and creator of the Safe & Together™ Model. In a career spanning almost four decades and three continents, David has counseled men who have been violent to their partners and children; consulted at the highest level of child protection, family court, and other sectors; contributed to numerous research studies; and been an invited speaker and trainer across the globe. Through the Institute’s growing network of hundreds of trainers, David’s Safe & Together Model has improved the practice of thousands of professionals and impacted tens of thousands of children and families. David lives in rural Connecticut with his partner and collaborator, Ruth, their three children, and an assortment of much-loved pets. When not changing systems, David is a keen traveler and home chef.
“Safe & Together was the difference between keeping and losing my
children.” – Jane, Victim-Survivor
BOOK SYNOPSIS
Imagine risking your life to keep your children safe only to be accused of “choosing him over her children.”
Domestic violence survivorsn all over the world share the experience of protecting their children, yet still being blamed for “choosing their partner over their children,” “failing to protect,” and “parental alienation.” Unchecked, these accusations can become the justi cation for child separation from protective mothers. Harmful claims can thrive in environments where mothers are blamed for domestic violence’s negative impacts on children and fathers’ behavior remains ignored.
In this groundbreaking book written for professionals and survivors, David Mandel deconstructs the six key myths at the heart of mother blaming and father ignoring culture, demonstrating their aws and limitations. Each step along the way, David uses the principles and tools of the Safe & Together Model to outline easy-to-implement solutions to these all-too-common problems. Supported by case studies and testimonials of practitioners and survivors, you will learn new ways to partner with survivors and intervene with domestic violence perpetrators as parents.
This book will show readers how to:
• Identify mother-blaming and father-ignoring in practices that harm children
• Unlock the power in the concept: “Domestic violence perpetration is a parenting choice.”
• Create systems that are more ethical, e cient, safer, and e ective in their responses to domestic violence
• Better intervene with perpetrators as parents
• Give protective mothers fuller credit for their e orts
• And nally, o er new ways to keep more children safe and together with their protective parent
BIOS FOR DAVID MANDEL
Short Bio (100 words)
David Mandel knows from decades of working in domestic violence what change is required. He’s committed to transforming systems and the practice of individuals to ensure that mothers are not blamed, and fathers are not ignored when it comes to domestic violence. People who have worked with David describe him as “approachable,” a “ rst-class trainer,” and say he’s helped to “change their practice in ways that are life-changing for women and children, and the men who harm them.” David and his partner Ruth live in rural Connecticut with their three children. Stop Blaming Mothers and Ignoring Fathers is his rst book.
Long Bio (150 words)
David Mandel is the founder and CEO of the Safe & Together Institute and creator of the Safe & Togethe™ Model. In a career spanning almost four decades and three continents, David has counseled men who have been violent to their partners and children; consulted at the highest level of child protection, family court, and other sectors; contributed to numerous research studies; and been an invited speaker and trainer across the globe. He speaks about domestic violence-informed systems change, partnering with domestic violence survivors, intervening with perpetrators as parents and how to end mother blaming and father ignoring. Through the Institute’s growing network of hundreds of trainers, David’s Safe & Together Model has improved the practice of thousands of professionals and impacted tens of thousands of families. David lives in rural Connecticut with his partner and collaborator, Ruth, and their three children. When not changing systems, David is a keen traveler and home chef.
150 Character Bio
David is a leader, speaker, trainer, course creator and author. He helps
practitioners keep adult and child survivors where there is domestic
violence – safe and together.
DAVID’S SOCIAL MEDIA CHANNELS
- LinkedIn: davidmandelassociates
- Facebook: david.mandel.370
- Twitter: @DavidGMandel
“Equating domestic violence with physical violence can stop us from asking the right questions about change and accountability. When the focus is on physical violence, perpetrators are free to continue nonphysical forms of manipulation and coercion with impunity.” – from The Myth of the Domestic Violence Incident
KEYNOTE SPEAKING
David is a sought-after speaker working in community,
government, and academic settings. He speaks about
working with men as parents, domestic violence-informed
systems change, partnering with domestic violence
survivors, intervening with perpetrators as parents and
how to end mother blaming and father ignoring policy and
practices.
KEYNOTE TOPICS
“Why does she keep choosing
him over her children?” How to
stop blaming mothers, ignoring
fathers and x the way we keep
children safe from domestic
violence
The Four Pillars of “Failure to
Protect” Culture
The Myth of the Child Witness
The Myth of Parental Alienation
INTERVIEW QUESTIONS
• What was your motivation to write this book?
• Can you say more about the Six Myths you write about in the book?
• What are the most important messages for practitioners working in the domestic violence sector?
• You say, “Father’s choices and behaviors matter to child, partner, and family functioning.” Pleaseexplain what you mean.
• What do you hope will be the impact of your book?
• You talk about how one of the keys to improving the response to domestic violence and children is the importance of addressing low expectations of men as parents. Can you say what this means and whyit’s so important?
• Can you say more about the importance of the phrase “domestic violence perpetration is parentingchoice?
• What did you learn about yourself as you wrote this book?
• You talk about mother-blaming and father-ignoring in your book; can you explain those concepts tothose unfamiliar?
• For practitioners listening, what is the best advice you can give them to start implementing in their practice for helping someone in crisi today?
• How do you partner with domestic violence survivors?
• What do you say to anyone who says that the book ignores women’s use of violence or violence insame-sex relationships?
What was your motivation to write this book?
My motivation was to accelerate the global change already being created by the Safe & Together Model’s exponential growth. It felt like it was time to o er a deeper look into the thinking behind an approach being adopted in multiple countries. I wrote the book so it would be both an introduction to the Model for newcomers and also o er a deeper dive into the thinking behind the Model for more experienced Safe & Together Model practitioners. I also wanted to o er another resource to our existing library of resources like our podcast,
Partnered with A Survivor, and our tools, like the Perpetrator Pattern Mapping Tool.
I wanted to write a book that a practitioner or a survivor could pick up and recognize themselves in the anecdotes, the testimonials, and the conversations that are shared throughout the book. I even included cartoons in order to make these self-re ections easier. It is my hope that this recognition will be a catalyst for change. In terms of survivors, I want them to see how in uential their experiences have been in informing the work of the Safe & Together Institute. It was critically important to me that the voices of practitioners and survivors were represented in the book, as without them, Safe & Together would not exist.
Can you say more about the Six Myths you have written about in the book?
Tackling the Six Myths is about xing broken systems. Every day, child and adult domestic violence survivors and perpetrators turn to systems and professionals for help. Sometimes,
they receive exactly the help they need. Other times, the system makes their situation worse. In the latter circumstance, we can see a pattern of failure shaped by outdated or incomplete
concepts—ones that don’t match up with the lived experience of families or the actual needs of practitioners. As I started writing, I found myself considering this problem through the lens of “myth” as de ned in the Encyclopedia Britannica. This de nition states that every myth presents itself as an authoritative, factual account, no matter how much the narrated events
are at variance with ordinary experience. I wanted to write about how the playbook used by
professionals and systems didn’t match survivors’ lived experience and, therefore, regardless of a professional’s skill and desire to help, often fell at or, in some cases, made things worse.
The Safe & Together Model was developed as a challenge, critique, and correction of these
myths. In the book, I attempt to explain how to bring these myths back down to earth, out of
the realm of the authoritative professional voice, into better alignment with facts and the
ordinary experience of adult and child survivors
The six myths I explore in the book are:
• the myth of the child witness
• the myth of the domestic violence incident
• the myth of failure to protect
• the myth of perpetrator accountability
• the myth of parental alienation
• the myth of trauma-informed practice
These myths re ect some of the most powerful ideas that drive policy, law, and service
delivery. They dominate the conversations of professionals with each other and with adult
and child survivors. They shape how courts intervene with and create accountability for
perpetrators. They present themselves as de nitive when, really, they only capture a portion
of the lived experience of families. Their dominance hobbles our ability to listen to the voices
and experiences of children. They blind us to opportunities for partnering with survivors and
cripple our capacities to intervene with perpetrators as parents. I see dismantling these myths
– while saving the parts of those myths that are the most re ective of lived experiences – as
essential to making systems more responsive to survivors and creating a useful roadmap for
changing entrenched policy and practice.
What are the most important messages in the book for practitioners working in the domestic violence sector?
You can change your practice without waiting for the rest of the system to change. And your change can be contagious. I’ve seen individual practitioners adopt the Model and make dramatic, meaningful changes in their practice changes that save lives. I’ve also seen practitioners become champions for the Model and, through their advocacy, create system
change far beyond their formal role. This book (and the Model) plus champions for change = the creation of the systems that survivors need and deserve
Why is now the right time for this book?
Because survivors need systems to change right now. Every day, children are being unfairly removed from their protective parents. In some of these cases, they are being ordered into contact with violent parents. Every unfair removal or unsafe court case harms children. This book is needed because we need change now.
What do you hope will be the impact of your book?
That our systems will undergo a paradigm shift that will lead to increased safety for adult and child survivors. It is time that we tackle the gender-double standards that run through all these myths – and the systems associated with them— we need to expect more of men as parents and give mothers more credit for the work they do to keep them safe and well. The
book o ers the tools to make this paradigm shift across all the systems that families interact with.
How did your career prepare you to write this book?
I spent almost 20 years working with violent, controlling men. Then, I carried that work over into systems. I watched how these systems failed to hold violent men accountable as parents. I watched as mothers, who were victims, were being blamed for what their partners did to their children. I rst saw this in child protection systems but then became aware that similar ideas shaped practice in all our major systems responding to domestic violence. It became my mission to unwind this gender double standard to improve outcomes for families. This book, alongside the rest of the work of the Safe & Together Institute, is an attempt to advance that
mission.
What did you learn about yourself as you wrote this book?
That seeing yourself in comic book format is fun.
What do you say to anyone who says that the book ignores women’s use of violence or violence in same-sex relationships?
The same thing I say every time I present or train: both men and women can be violent and controlling. Same thing for non-binary people. Domestic violence is perpetrated by straight, trans, gay, and lesbian people – it does not discriminate as a social problem. The same can be
said about child abuse and neglect. I would say that at the same time, we know, from research, things like men’s violence toward women are di erent than women’s violence toward men. It’s more likely to cause injury. It’s more likely to be associated with patterns of coercive control. It’s the most common scenario that professionals will come in contact with. The dynamic of the abuse and the response of systems is also heavily shaped by gender double standards- low expectations of men as parents and much higher expectations of women as
parents. So it was important to me, in this book, to respond to this particular dynamic, hence the title “Stop Blaming Mothers and Ignoring Fathers.” In other places, the Safe & Together
Institute talks about men as victims, violence in same-sex relationships, and other scenarios, as all domestic violence is a problem.
WHY THIS BOOK? WHY NOW?
Children impacted by domestic violence perpetrators’ behaviors is a massive global problem. And our helping systems are broken. Survivors need systems to change right now. Every day, children are being unfairly removed from their protective parents. In some of these cases, they are being ordered into contact with violent parents. Every unfair removal or unsafe court case harms children. Our system is also failing the perpetrators of violence by failing to oer a full range of responses to them as parents. This book is needed because we need change now.
“Time and again, I have seen experienced practitioners from the child protection and family violence sectors marvel at the changes that occur for the families they work with when they have a shared foundation for practice through the Safe & Together Model and training.” – from the Foreword by Professor Cathy Humphreys
How big is the problem? A recent national study of child maltreatment found that almost 40% of all Australia children were exposed to domestic violence.1
A 2018 report from the UK Oce of the Children’s Commissioner estimated that the prevalence rate of children aged zero through seventeen who lived in households in England with an adult where there is domestic violence plus substance misuse or mental health issues was 15.9 percent, or 1.88 million children.2
Child protection agencies regularly report that domestic violence is one of the top issues facing families, if not the most common one.
Domestic violence is one of the most common issues in custody and parenting time court decisions in many major regions of the globe.
1 https://www.acms.au/
2 Children’s Commissioner for England, “PreBudget Brieng 2018” accessed 20 February 2023,
https://www.childrenscommissioner.gov.uk/report/pre-budget-brieng-autumn-2018/
OTHER PUBLICATIONS
Healey, L., Humphreys, C. & Mandel, D. (2018): Case Reading as a Practice and Training Intervention in Domestic Violence and Child Protection, Australian Social Work, DOI: 10.1080/0312407X.2017.1413666
Healey, L., Humphreys, C., Tsantefski, M., Heward Belle, S., Mandel, D., & Australia’s National Research Organisation for Women’s Safety Limited. (2018). Invisible practices intervention with fathers who use violence. Retrieved from https://www.anrows.org.au/node/1971
Healey, L., Humphreys, C., Tsantefski, M., Heward Belle, S., Chung, D., & Mandel, D. (2018). Invisible Practices: Intervention with fathers who use violence: Key ndings and future directions (Research to policy and practice, 04/2018). Sydney, NSW: ANROWS.
Heward-Belle, S., Healey, L., Isobe, J., Roumeliotis, A., Links, E., Mandel, D., Tsantfski, M. & Young, A., & Humphreys, C. (2020). Working at the intersections of domestic and family violence, parental substance misuse and/or mental health issues. Summary Practice Guide from the STACY Project: Safe & Together Addressing ComplexitY. Melbourne, University of Melbourne and Sydney University. https://violenceagainstwo enandchildren.com/wp content/uploads/2020/10 STACY-Summary-Practice -Guide_Working-with Complexity.pdf
Humphreys, C., Kertesz, M., Healey, L. & Mandel, D. (2020) Shifting domestic violence practice: child protection workers partnering with mothers. In F. Buchanan, C. Zuery Intersections of mothering: Feminist accounts. London, Routledge. Pp194-205. (draws a lot on S&T)
Mandel, D. (2009). Batterers in the lives of their Children. In Stark, Evan, and Eve Buzawa. Violence against women in families and relationships. Evan Stark & EVE BUZAWA. ABC-CLIO, 2009.
Mandel, D., Healey, L. & Humphreys, C. (2017). The PATRICIA Project: Summary of the Safe and Together case reading to develop domestic and family violence-informed child protection practice. Sydney: ANROWS.
Rothman, E. F., Mandel, D. G., & Silverman, J. G. (2007). Abusers’ Perceptions of the Eect of Their Intimate Partner Violence on Children. Violence Against Women, 13(11), 1179-1191.
Toivonen, C., Lauw, M., Isobe, J., Links, E., Kertesz, M., Mandel, D., Laing, L., & Humphreys, C. (2022). ESTIE Practice Resource: Evidence-based guidelines to support the implementation of the Safe & Together approach. The New South Wales Ministry of Health and University of Melbourne.
BOOK BLURBS & QUOTES
“This book has a number of audiences. It’s for anyone who is interested in the intersection of domestic violence and children. It’s for practitioners like me, who are erce advocates for adult and child domestic violence survivors and who are deeply passionate about system change. It’s for anyone who believes we need to stop ignoring fathers but without sacricing the safety and well-being of women and children. Mostly, though, it’s for anyone who has been critical of the current systems’ response to domestic violence and who dreams of a time when those systems are better allies to adult and child survivors.” – from the Preface
“Partnering was based on the assumption that survivors were almost always actively working to keep their children safe, and it was the role of the professional to identify these strengths, validate them, and collaboratively plan—as partners—with the survivors to improve their situation.” – from the Preface
“The idea is that if you stop ignoring the role, good or bad, that fathers’ behaviors play in families, you are better able to help mothers, children, and even fathers.” – from the Introduction.
“…a gender-neutral, sexual orientation-neutral, all victims matter approach does not equip us with the tools to challenge the structural dynamics of gender-based violence and the gender bias of our current systems’ dominant response to domestic violence and children—a response where the behaviors of fathers who choose coercive control are often ignored or minimized and the mothers, who are working hard to parent and protect in the context of those behaviors, are blamed.” – from the Introduction
“… many systems are bulging with professionals, working every day with families, who have little to no skills, knowledge, or condence in engaging and intervening with fathers. From a practical point of view, their understanding of “family” often equals “mother and children.” – from Blaming Mothers, Ignoring Fathers
“Many of these myths started their lives as deservedly celebrated breakthroughs in hard-fought battles against domestic violence. Others, such as parental alienation, have been victim-blaming from their conception. But over time, these terms and concepts have become unexamined jargon, ideas, and terms that are often used by frontline professionals without critical reection. They have become the “truth,” often crowding out survivors’ realities. They reect dominant paradigms and cultural power dynamics.” – from Challenging Professional Myths About Domestic Violence
“Deconstructing the myth of the child witness is not intended to minimize the signicance of seeing or hearing acts of violence perpetrated by one parent against another, a sibling, or another family member. In fact, the goal is exactly the opposite—to give us the language and framework to better articulate the full ranges of harms experienced by children and more tightly tie them back to the person choosing coercive control.” – from The Myth of the Child Witness
BOOK INFORMATION
Title: Stop Blaming Mothers and Ignoring Fathers:
Publish Date: 2024
Trade Paperback ISBN: 978-1-7359333-7-5
Digital ISBN: 978-1-7372638-0-7
Format: Trade Paperback and Digital
Available for purchase: Amazon, Barnes & Noble, Powell’s, Apple Books, etc.
Editor: Laura Kaiser, Word Haven Editorial wordhaveneditorial.com
Publisher: Legitimus Media legitimusmedia.com
Cover Design & Layout: Asya Blue asyablue.com
Website:
safeandtogetherinstitute.com/stop-blaming-mothers-and-ignoring-fathers-book